How to be an Asshat Mage

You can’t deny it, every Mage has some douchebaggery in him/her. It comes with the Mage class. Some just have more of it than others. Then there are some of you, just waiting to unleash your inner-asshat. It has either happen already, or will eventually happen. Either way, you might as well do it the right way.

Portal Roulette

The oldest Mage trick in the book. The basic idea is to stack all Mage portals on top of each other so that players will end up taking the wrong portal and get sent to somewhere random. The best time for this is usually at the end of any normal/heroic instance, or raid.

Step 1: Stand Still

After selecting a nice spot to start creating portals, make sure you don’t move after casting each portal to ensure that they all stack exactly on top of each other. This step is crucial for any Portal Roulette attempts.

Step 2: Spell Rotations

Make sure you start off with a bad portal, followed by a good one. If you start with a good portal, all the smart players will take it before you finish casting the next one. Each portal takes 10 seconds to cast, and lasts for 1 minute.

Follow each good portal with another bad one. Players have been adapting to Portal Roulette and have been patiently waiting for the first bad portal to disappear before taking the good one. This will make sure that won’t happen.

I like to use 6 portals total, 3 good ones (good/better/best), 3 bad ones (bad/badder/worst). I exclude Shattrath since it defeats the purpose (since you can portal to any of the major cities from there).

Here is my Spell Rotation: bad > better > badder > best > better > worst

For Alliance that would be: Darnassus > Stormwind > Exodar > Dalaran > Ironforge > Theramore

If you have a [Direbrew's Remote] or [Atiesh, Greatstaff of the Guardian], tack that at the end for more fun.

Step 3: Leave

Teleport yourself, or play Portal Roulette to leave the instance. If you’re not there, the players can’t ask you to portal again, and they will be forced to play Portal Roulette, or use their Hearthstone.

Best is when you end up in Theramore from Portal Roulette, along with 3 other players, then proceed to teleport yourself to the city of your choice, while they just watch you leave.

Can I Haz Food/Water Plx?

You’re going around Ironforge or whatever city, doing your own thing. You’re checking auctions, checking mail, or crafting, then someone suddenly opens trade with you. You stand there for a bit wondering what they want. 10 seconds pass, and you type to them, “?”. Their response is a few random words, with the word “food” thrown in there somewhere, followed by some sort of smiley face.

What I normally do in this situation, is to conjure up some rank 1 Food or Water (depending on their class), and send them off on their way. They usually don’t realize it until it is too late.

I dunno about you but when random players just open up trade with you and expect something without saying anything pisses me off. Maybe if they just ask before, I would be happy to. Maybe…

Fake AFK

I normally don’t have a problem when someone asks for a portal. It’s only a few seconds of my time, and I usually get 5 gold or so out of it. Then there are sometimes I just don’t feel like it. Maybe I had a bad raid earlier, or whatever. I don’t know why, I just don’t.

For when that situation arises, I rely on my handy dandy macro:

/afk
/sit

If you just /afk, and you’re still standing there, they can tell you’re just faking it. You gotta take that extra step to sit at the same time to make it look real.

Extra Asshat points for when they actually see you jumping around Ironforge like 5 seconds before being asked, then suddenly sit down with the /afk tag popping up.

Amplify Magic

I believe this started for me back in Blackwing Lair, during the Firemaw fight, where he has an aura that does fire damage every 5 seconds or so. The Mages would randomly put Amplify Magic on Warlocks, and other players they didn’t like, so that they would take extra damage.

Pretty easy to pull off, especially with all the buffs you get nowadays during raids. This would most likely piss off the healers, so use at your own risk.

Wintergrasp Portal

There is a few Asshat Mages a day that does this. They open up a random Mage portal right before the Wintergrasp portal opens, tricking players into taking them, and those players end up missing Wintergrasp as a result.

You’ve seen it done before, and thought it was funny. You’ve also been tempted to do it every time too. It’s okay, those urges are normal as a Mage. Even I’m guilty of doing this.

Only once though, and it was with a [Direbrew's Remote], and was a way from where the Wintergrasp Portal appears, and it was also 5 minutes before the battle for Wintergrasp started. So to those 8 players who took it that day, sorry, but how do you click that by accident?

Can you run me thru Stockades?

I’ve never actually done this, but the idea popped up in my head while writing this. It is a total waste of time, but I guess you could do this if you are bored and someone asks you to run them through something.

You run through and gather up all the mobs like normal, while the other player follows behind. Once you get to a point where there is enough mobs on you, pop Mirror Image, Ice Block, then use Invisibility.

The mobs will kill your images, then run after the poor guy following you. You will be out of combat, so find a nice place to come out of Invis, then you can teleport yourself out safely.

Bonus Asshat points if you come out of Invis after the other player dies, and then kill all the mobs right afterwards.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you happen to pull off all these Asshat Mage tricks including the last one, then congratulations, you’re a bigger Asshat than me!

There is probably more ways to be an Asshat Mage out there, so if I missed any, feel free to add to the list of tricks.


Tagged: ,

18 Comments

  1. Arcsis April 13, 2009 1:47 pm 

    I’ve been an accidental asshat a few times, (scratch that- many times.) At the end of the instance the group requests a portal. “Sure!” I say. 10 seconds later I’m standing, alone, in the target city. Oops.

  2. Dangnabbid April 13, 2009 2:52 pm 

    Dang, didn’t realise I had asshattery in me till I read your column. I rofl’d, and swore to do as many of these things as possible…..

  3. dorgol April 13, 2009 3:41 pm 

    If you are group lead, you could summon the portal and start kicking people from the group so they can’t use it.

    I’ve been known to intentionally freeze and enemy player in place when running from a dozen mobs – giving that player a repair bill AND getting a PvP Kill for it. I did this several times to a Horde mage that was AOE grinding in Netherstorm last year. I don’t think he was as amused as I was.

    I’ve done a flyby Spell Steal in the past. Dismount / Spell Steal / Slow Fall. Just hope that the enemy player isn’t too interested in kicking your ass afterwards.

    Next time someone opens a trade without asking first: put a couple of stacks of food / water in trade… and never actually hit the “trade” button. Did that once to a gold beggar and they sat there for a good 5-7 minutes before canceling the trade.

  4. janini April 13, 2009 11:20 pm 

    My guild hates it when I play Portal Roulette with them. I, of course, get a kick out of it. I’m definitely going to do the Fake AFK very soon, as well as a fake Wintergrasp Portal.

  5. Serena April 14, 2009 12:20 pm 

    i miss our portal roulette back in BWL with all 5 mages…

  6. krizzlybear April 14, 2009 2:15 pm 

    I love doing stocks runs for lowbies. I always warn them, “you run the risk of dying when I run you” or something along those lines, then proceed to pull the ENTIRE dungeon, Frost Armor et al. I often cast Ice Block to save my own ass, and it usually comes at the cost of killing the lowbie. And then I come out of Ice Block and proceed to kill everything while he runs back. Not my fault, since I make it fully aware that he can and will die. If I’m lucky, I won’t need to cast Ice Block, and the run lasts only a few minutes before I continue on my merry way.

    krizzlybears last blog post..The First Day Back…

  7. MadScience April 15, 2009 11:42 am 

    Another good one is with the new lock summoning stone, Really nice for 25 mans when there are multiple summons going out at once open up a theramore portal. people with think this is a summon and start clicking on it to help summon. This is very funny. As long as at least 1 person stays with you. You can use the stone to summon everyone back so u can still do the raid.

  8. Jessica April 17, 2009 9:49 am 

    Mages in my guild and I always play the portal game, though I’ve never played portal roulette, at the end of raids we will announce “port inc” and throw up a port to Stonard. To the guildies who blindly click and find themselves in SoS, I say “Well let this be a lesson to you to to pay more attention next time!” Now they watch my cast bar… but every now and then you can trick them :)

  9. Cassini April 24, 2009 9:25 am 

    Ha! Although I’m surprised you missed the warlock summon trick (which has since been pointed out so I won’t re-outline it).

    The best times were back in the old ZG days when people would start getting summoned to the instance and you chuck up a random Darnasuss portal. Ho-ho. Every single raid without fail people would fall for it. How I never got kicked from those raids I still don’t know to this day!

    “Oooh summons needed…I’ll just click this glowing circle over here to help out”

    “Darnasuss…wtf?”

    “CASS!”

    Good times :)

    Cassinis last blog post..Tanking is hard kk?

  10. taintedmage June 13, 2009 9:46 pm 

    If you are a mage (or other select class with slow fall or flight form abilities) that is wealthy enough to obtain a Chopper or Hog motorcycle mount then this trick is a pretty nice asshat joke:

    When you’re on your bike go hang out in a public area of Dalaran, and when people start admiring it (as many usually do) – if you can spot someone who may be especially naive, ask them if they want a free ride. Invite them to the party, and let them get in the bike, and take them around town a few times. Let them get their kicks and get comfortable, and then take them down into the sewers and head into the exhaust pipe leading out into the middle of the air in Dragonblight (that comes out underneath Dalaran). Go through the exit pipe and dismount as soon as you’re falling through the air and hit your slowfall or iceblock – you’ll live, but they’ll plummet to their death.

    Ah yes, nothing like a nice friendly bike ride through Dalaran. People always say motorcycles are dangerous /evilgrin.

  11. Nekhbah August 31, 2009 4:32 pm 

    Hah, asshattery is one of the reasons I love being a Mage. We have so many ways to practice it, it’s great :D
    I’ll definitely have to play Portal Roulette some time, as well as create fake summoning portals. Using Amplify Magic in BWL seems almost too cruel. Almost.
    The AFK trick is great, too, and killing lowbies is just as easy in RFC, when you hit the part with a bunch of troggs.
    Fun times.

  12. Adrian March 1, 2010 1:21 pm 

    You missed out on one of the best ass-hat mage tricks available. Make a macro to Ice Block and simultaneously yell “I’m an Ice Block!” and then use it on one of the air phases in Sapphiron. Sadly you probably won’t have much opportunity these days, but its hilarious if it works.

  13. Nekhbah April 10, 2010 5:40 am 

    Looks like those days of screwing Warlocks over with Amplify Magic are going to be over, come Cata.
    Fare thee well, friendly fire buff.

  14. Griffin May 24, 2010 3:12 pm 

    I like to go to the portal area of Dalaran and throw up a portal to Ironforge right in front Dalaran->Ironforge portal. Then I sit there and watch as people run up and click my portal without anything happening. The comments that pop up in trade are amusing. Good times.

  15. Fizzlum June 26, 2010 6:15 pm 

    In raids i usually make a portal and just as it finish i yell- CLICK FOR FREE FOOD.

    Same thing can be done when summoning someone from a stone. Ppl usualy dont notice the diffrence in colour etc

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge